You Can't "Just Leave" - A Guest Blog Series from Arianna Shanks-Hill

Without fail, every time I tell a new person my story, and explain in detail the things I experienced, I get asked “Why wouldn't you just leave?”. I understand where this question comes from. It comes from a horrified person who can't comprehend staying in a situation where you are being so mistreated. It comes from disbelief that someone is capable of harming others in such a way. Usually, this question isn't asked in an attempt to be hurtful or to shame me (or others). It’s genuine curiosity. So, welcome back to my little blog series where I address + answer questions that shouldn't really be asked of survivors in the first place. 

“Why didn’t you just leave?”

I think this question has to be addressed in a couple different ways. From a general understanding, and from a personal standpoint; just so that we can be abundantly clear of why I, and so many others, feel that they can't leave. 

1. Financial abuse

Many abusers control the finances of their partner, or do not permit them to have their own job or own bank account. This limits your options when trying to leave because you don't have the ability to save up. You can't afford to replace your belongings (because if you are fleeing from an abuser, you are most likely packing as minimal as possible). You can't afford to pay rent for an apartment or house, let alone the deposit required for most housing. So, where do you go? You can hope that a shelter will take you, but how will you get there? Most likely, if you/your partner have a car, it's not in your name. If you take the car anyway, your abuser can call and report it stolen. Now you're facing legal repercussions. You probably don't have the extra cash for a cab, or for the bus. You’re faced with limited options.

2. Isolation

A tactic usually used by abusers is isolation. They keep you from your friends and family so that you lack a support system. There’s lots of ways they do this, such as accusing them of trying to ‘sabotage’ the relationship, or saying they are a ‘bad influence”. A common rhetoric pushed by abusers is that they (the abuser) are the best thing for you. They want you to believe that they have your best interest at heart, and that everyone else is out to get you. However this isolation is achieved, it’s effective. You can’t confide in your support system about your abuse, ask them for money, or a place to stay, or help in general. You have no one to turn to except your abuser. Without a support system, you also probably won't realize you’re being abused until it has escalated. If you can't discuss your relationship or confide in others, you have no reference of what is/isn't healthy and normal. Your phone and social media are more than likely monitored as well, so you have no way of reaching out to ask for help. 

3. Threat of violence

The most dangerous time to be in an abusive relationship is when trying to leave. 75% of women who are murdered by their abuser are murdered when they try to leave the relationship. Abusers often say things like “If you ever leave me I’ll kill you” or even “I’ll kill myself if you leave me”. All survivors know that these threats carry weight, even if they seem like an obvious mental trick to others. The threat of violence from their partner keeps people from leaving. Sure, you’re being physically harmed either way, but you have to choose the lesser of the two options. You can either stay and be harmed, or risk your life to leave. Even if the abuse isn’t physical, there is still violence occurring. Breaking things, slamming doors, punching walls, throwing things etc as a threat is still extremely scary. Abusers manipulate your fear to the best of their ability to ensure you don't find the courage to stand up to them. It’s also important to point out that they could also threaten violence against people you love to keep you complicit and unable to leave (especially if there are children involved).  

4. Mental abuse

I’ve made several videos on my titleholder account describing abusers as ‘convincing’. While most of the time we focus on the physical abuse that occurs in domestic violence, it's important to highlight the mental abuse that occurs. The mental abuse is how abusers keep their partners in the relationship. A really common tactic is to degrade the partner and target their insecurities. Abusers will say things like “You’re so ____, no one could ever love you” oe “You’ll never find someone who will love you like me because you’re so ____”. They try to make you seem completely unlovable so you believe they are the only person for you. They will capitalize on your insecurities and do everything they can to make you feel worthless. Abusers have the manipulation tactics to convince you that the abuse is your fault or that you deserve it. When you are being completely manipulated and mentally abused, it's hard to trust your own judgment enough to identify the abuse. It’s difficult to say “I don't deserve this, I am being mistreated and I need to leave”. Unfortunately, this isn't something you can easily undo, or something you can understand if you haven't experienced it. 

5. Shame

A huge reason people don't leave/come forward is because of shame. They’ve been convinced that the abuse is their fault, and feel as though they should have “known better” or “left sooner”. It could be they also don't want to compromise their image of the “happy couple” they’ve built as a defense mechanism. While the only person who should be embarrassed is the abuser, for some reason it can feel embarrassing to come forward. It feels like saying “this is what i let someone do to me”.  To be honest, people’s reactions are part of what contributes to the shame. Questions like “why didn't you just leave” or statements like “i would never let someone hit me” completely misunderstand the gravity of abuse and place the blame on the survivor instead of on the abuser where it belongs.

6. Lack of support

This reason ties into the previous reason. The lack of support survivors receive when trying to come forward ensures that they won't try again. If you are consistently mistreated and called a liar, why would you continue to put yourself in that position? It can be hard to know who to turn to for help, or how to find the resources you need. Many people’s support systems also don’t help in the way they should. ‘Friends’ side with the abuser and say things like “he never did anything to me”. Family asks you to be quiet to keep the peace, and not “call attention” to the situation. Society often insinuates that survivors are raising a ruckus by asking for legal repercussions for their abuser. And for the record, it’s not enough to just be free from your abuser. You dont ever have to “just be grateful that you’re not in that situation anymore”. There are many appropriate reactions to a survivor trying to come forward, but the common theme is support. Without it, the cycle of abuse continues.

Now, let’s get personal. I always laugh at the reactions to these blogs, because every time a new one gets posted I have people tell me that I'm getting “too personal”. First of all, dont ask people personal questions if you don't want the answer. Second, me getting “personal” is what makes me an authentic and effective titleholder. 

So, why didn't I leave? Fear, isolation, and shame are the main ones. The way people spoke to me when I did finally leave and come forward often made me wish I had never left at all. Can you imagine that? Being so publicly mistreated that you wish for physical abuse instead? I don’t have to imagine it. I had teachers, parents, students, friends, and police officers attack me for every little thing I did. I had one of my best friends tell me that she “wasn't sure” that I was telling the truth. 

On top of that, it was embarrassing to tell the truth. I was always the headstrong girl in high school. People couldn't believe I would “let’’ someone hurt me like that. It was mortifying. How could I have let this happen? Why didnt i listen to the people who warned me? Why didn't I leave at the first sign? You can see how easy it would have been for these thoughts to be planted in my brain. Combine those thoughts with the mental abuse and manipulation I was experiencing and all of the sudden it's pretty obvious why I didn't leave. 

As someone who talks about domestic violence and statistics pretty frequently, there are few things that truly stop me in my tracks. I take my platform very seriously, and never discuss such serious topics lightly, but I've witnessed the worst of humanity at the hands of one person. However, when I was 16 years old, I read a statistic that could only be described as bone-chilling.

 “A person involved in a domestic violence attack of choking or strangulation is more than 750% more likely to be killed by their offender in the next year”

I realized very quickly that not only was my abuser capable of ending my life, he was statistically more likely to. He frequently threatened to end his, my, or both of our lives if I left him. This kind of manipulation keeps full-fledged adults in their abusive relationships. It’s a lot to ask of a child to find the strength to overcome something like that. I guess I don't know exactly why I didn't leave. Part of me has always wanted to see the best in people. I wanted to believe him when he said he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I didn't want people to see me as weak. I thought that if other people found out I had been abused, they would see me as an easy target. 

Unfortunately no amount of advocacy or telling my story can fully convey my experiences and the things I felt during them. This is why compassion and empathy is so essential when interacting with survivors. Curiosity is natural, but we as survivors should not have to detail every thought, feeling, and experience as a means of education. As a titleholder I view these things as my job. If I have the opportunity to educate, I will always do so. But it is unrealistic to expect this of every survivor in every situation.