From Stage to Scorecard: Navigating the Emotions of Competition, Loss, and Understanding the Judging Process

In my last blog post, I briefly touched on my experiences with loss and self acceptance. I recently just came back from San Antonio, Texas, from judging the Texas Petite Pageant, where over 40 girls competed for a chance at winning 5 different state titles based off of their age group. Most of the women who competed didn’t walk away with a title. Today, I would like to dive deeper into the emotions behind losing a pageant and where to go, my personal experiences, and how judging a pageant helped me understand how judging can be just as stressful as competing. 

I think we have all had the shared emotion of feeling like you aren’t enough. It comes and goes, and in pageants, it is especially known when you are a runner up, small placement, or more. Especially when you put the effort in but don’t get the end result you were looking for. 

For me, this happened my sophomore year of highschool. I was so emotionally tied to who I was with a crown. I remember listening to my coaches and my friends and hearing how hard I had worked for the title I was competing for. I remember putting in the work for an hour or an hour and a half every night walking in 6 inch heels for evening gown and sneakers for athletic wear. I remember recording myself walking over and over again, watching my movements, facial expressions, poses, and the time it took me to get from place to place. 

I remember the pride I had when I was competing and feeling like I was ready to conquer the stage before me. As you can tell, that didn’t happen. I ended up performing the worst I had ever performed, because of over exhaustion and stress. I had put too much stress on winning and over planned every little detail. I didn’t eat the whole day because I thought it would help me look skinnier, and in the end it hindered my chances of winning forever. 

Driving back that night, I remember being with my friends in the car and telling them I was done with pageants forever. The stress and anxiety they had caused me had finally broken me physically and mentally. I felt broken, displaced, and embarrassed. All my hard work didn’t show up on stage, and instead made me feel worthless. 

I remember going through all of my clothing and throwing it out, cleaning my room of all my shoes and sashes, and putting them in a box under my bed, hoping to not look at them again. 

I took a year off of pageants, celebrating who I was without a crown and finding who Hannah really is. That included traveling the country, finding new hobbies like music, writing, and exploring and adventuring. That left more room to do self care, including meditation, yoga, and self affirmations. I gained more social groups and established close relationships with my friends, feeling like I truly had people to lean on. I gained the sense of belonging that I was missing. I felt stable enough to try at love again, and the world opened up to me. 

That time gave me an understanding of who I was, and a deeper “why” into why I do pageants. My reason is to help people and to inspire people to be who they are. 

With that knowledge, I signed up to compete for Teen New England Petite in April of 2023, with the competition being in March of 2024. I gave myself time to work my walk, my interview skills, and my overall vision of myself. 

When the competition finally rolled around, I knew I was doing it because I wanted to round out my last year of competing, and give myself the shot of redemption I needed. 

The same situation happened at Petite USA, with a slight twist. I realized I wanted to give it my best shot about a month before competition, and told my coach and directors at the send off party for New England Petite. Sorry guys, I definitely should have thought about it earlier!

All the emotions of feeling like I wasn’t enough washed away when I was competing, because I knew my story of who I was is powerful and my love for helping people would stay even if I didn’t win. What I think we need to realize is the crown helps your story reach people, it shouldn’t give you the story that you are trying to shape. You should be using the crown as a megaphone for your platform and who you are to inspire others, not to regain your self worth, because you’ll still be the same person with or without the crown and have the same experiences to go far. 

Judging in Texas helped me understand how far that really goes. I was SO nervous to judge because I am only 18 and just a girl, but I also was scared I wasn’t qualified for the job. Sure, this was my 6th pageant when I won, but I wasn’t sure if girls would take me seriously because I am younger. I remember sitting in the bathroom before interviews and having to take a deep breath and tell myself everything is going to be okay, because I was really worried. 

That wasn't the case at all, and the interview part of the competition was my favorite. I loved being able to hear everyone’s why, and how their stories impacted their lives and what they do in their communities. I had to take a minute after interviews to just take in all the information I had learned about these 40 something women and smile, because I am so honored to represent a system that truly inspires women to get out into their communities and find a purpose. 

Then the final show, swim and evening gown, as well as the onstage question, and then crowning. 

I learned how hard it is to try to pick between contestants and their stories. Some of their stories truly rocked my core and inspired me to look deeper into myself. There were so many powerful stories, and it made me understand why judging is nerve wracking. 

I remember whenever I would place 2nd place or 3rd place that I would feel like I wasn’t enough or even close. But after judging, I realized how hard it is to choose between people. I remember giving .5s and .7s on scores, and I didn’t even know who was going to win because it was so close in some categories. 

I think my advice I would give to anyone competing is to not give up. You will have your moment, whether it's next month, next year, or 10 years from now. The journey through pageantry is all about your self growth as a person. Waiting on a miracle won’t help your dreams come true, hard work and determination will help you succeed. Never give up on who you are because you are still growing in pageants, but also as a person. Give yourself time to take a step back, breathe, and really evaluate who you are as a person. 

The road through self love is twisty, turning, and always never ending. You can’t wait for a crown to give to you, you have to go out and find it. And that is not to say there will be good and bad days. Sometimes, I don’t like myself some days, other days, I love myself and I love how I look. It is the cycle we call life. But, we shouldn’t let it deter us from being who we truly, authentically are. 

If you haven’t told someone you loved them today, go give them a hug, and tell them how much you care for them.

See you next blog post (duh!)

Your Teen Petite USA 2024 and friend,

Han

Hannah Karki