In my undergraduate years, I studied communication and public relations with a focus on interpersonal communication, organizational communication, and small business branding. I felt sure I knew all there was to know about publicity and public relations, but then I began my master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling. It was a 180° turn that still surprises me to this day. I started taking a closer look at the personal impacts of social media, community building, self-image, and the challenging art of comparison. I now work as a therapist in the state of Wyoming and see firsthand the negative impacts of being on social media consistently from a young age. You would think I would be pushing for less screen time and the end of social media entirely…but I don’t. Why do you suppose that is?
I believe that comparison can be a healthy tool for personal development if we have the tools to check in with ourselves and reflect effectively on what we take in. Surprisingly, I still see the good in social media, especially in the pageant community. Social media gives us access to women not only across our home states but around the world. We have the chance to view the experiences of others and be inspired by them at the touch of a button. When we approach this massive amount of access and information with the correct mindset, we can grow our own experience into a journey of transformation and growth! Which brings us to the ultimate question: What is the right mindset?
I like to break this down into three important skills:
- Emotional Vocabulary
- Values Identification
- Authenticity Detection
These may sound entirely foreign to you, or they may fall right in line with what you already know about comparison. Let’s dive a bit deeper!
1. Emotional Vocabulary
Step one in making your social media a place of healthy comparison is being able to accurately check in with yourself about the way the content you take in makes you feel. If we don’t have the words to describe our feelings, how can we be in tune with them? One of my go-to resources for building emotional vocabulary is the Feelings Wheel, which can be found at https://feelingswheel.com/ on your computer or mobile device. The Feelings Wheel provides great structure for checking in with ourselves, and it is incredibly easy to access. I often suggest starting with the center words and moving your way out. For example, if we check in with ourselves and arrive at the word “Bad,” that isn’t very descriptive. It doesn’t tell us much about the meaning behind our feelings, nor does it give us a starting point to enact change. If we move to the next layer and select “Busy,” that gives us a bit more context. We don’t feel bad because we’re bored or tired; we feel bad because we’re busy. Moving on to the next layer, we can get even more specific. The Feelings Wheel asks us to consider if we are feeling rushed or pressured in relation to our busyness. If we are feeling pressured, perhaps our next step is to find the source of the pressure and consider what we can and cannot control about it. If we are feeling rushed, then we might want to look at our schedule and time management skills. Rather than using a basic word for our feelings as we check in with ourselves, we can use something specific that inspires action! The same can be true of creating a healthy space on social media.
When we see certain types of content, we often have an immediate reaction. We feel something when we read posts, see images, watch videos, or hear from online personalities. What we might not be doing is taking the time to consider what those feelings are in more depth. I run several social media pages, and each feed looks completely different based on the goals of the page itself. Regardless of the goals, I take this skill with me into the creation of my feed and the content I put out into the world. I want to see content that inspires me, encourages me, and helps me reach my goals. By viewing my feed with a high level of emotional vocabulary, I can tailor what I take in to create the feelings I want to have.
For example, if I am creating a feed for my titleholder account, I want to feel inspired, uplifted, and happy. The pages I follow will look completely different than someone who wants to feel informed, challenged, and introspective! When we understand our feelings, we can customize our environment; all it takes is a little skill-building and time.
2. Values Identification
Step two in developing a growth-focused, positive space online is identifying your values and sticking to them. When you scroll through your feed, you should be able to ask yourself, “How does this content bring me closer to my values?” and be able to make a direct connection. For many, identifying their values can be difficult because it isn’t something we are regularly asked to do. One way to begin is by choosing a power word, or choosing a few power words, and connecting them to deeper meaning in our lives. I created a “Values Identification Exercise” worksheet that is available for free on Teachers Pay Teachers. You can find it here in the Live Well Worksheet Shop to get started on identifying your values.
The worksheet will first ask you to review a long list of power words, eliminating the ones that create negative feelings or feel irrelevant to who you are. Then, you review the remaining words and find 10 that stick out to you. You will then be asked to write those words down and select a top 5. After your top 5 words have been selected, you will be given the chance to reflect on each and connect it to your life in some way. For some, you may notice that just two or three words really stand out as a match when you begin writing more intently about them. That is completely okay! I personally have 4 values that I’ve carried with me for a long time because each of those words has an easily identifiable deeper meaning in my life.
After completing this exercise, it will be much easier to make decisions about your online presence and the content you choose to take in. Knowing off the top of your head what your values are allows you to reflect on them frequently in your day-to-day life. With your values in mind, you can approach your social media and potential comparison with a built-in filter. If the content you’re taking in or the interactions you are having don’t align with your values, you can seek out something more effective!
3. Authenticity Detection
Step three in ensuring your time on social media is spent building yourself up, rather than tearing yourself down, is doing an authenticity check among those you follow. If we are comparing ourselves or our journey to a journey that is inauthentic or solely a highlight reel, then we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. You’ve already developed the skills to better understand your emotions and readily consider your values; this step combines them both. Authenticity is where feelings and values meet!
When I look at a social media page, I look for the content that speaks to who the person is, not just what they do. If the entire page is focused only on accomplishments with no behind-the-scenes or personal reflection, I know I’m in the wrong place for my goals. Now, let’s get the story straight. If someone wants to build a highlight reel on social media or create a space that simply documents their big moments, more power to them! Social media is a great place to create a sort of scrapbook of your most special moments. Those just aren’t the pages we want to use for healthy comparison because there are only ups, no downs. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a charming bloopers reel on Instagram, a thoughtful reflection on Facebook, a behind-the-scenes video on TikTok, or a topic deep dive on Substack!
When we want to engage in healthy comparison, we need to look for someone who shares the ups and downs of their journey in a way that speaks to our values and makes us feel something! I often turn to titleholders I share values or experiences with for this kind of content. I look for other local titleholders in the Miss America Organization, from smaller towns like mine, who are making a difference in ways that matter to me. I also look to state and national titleholders for inspiration as I make plans for the kind of impact I hope to make in the future. Some say comparison is the thief of joy. I say comparison, done thoughtfully and intentionally, is the foundation for growth and goal-setting!
I can recall my earliest days involved in pageantry, and I looked up to some pretty incredible women. As I got older, I began engaging with comparison, and it took me a long time to get it right. Comparison can be a vital tool in the development of your journey as a titleholder and an individual once you learn to use it for good. When we compare surface-level differences, we can often find ourselves uninspired and unaware of the journey that brought us to a different final result than someone else. When we take the time to truly reflect and consider that each individual has their own journey to their goals, we can find inspiration, ideas, and encouragement in the comparison. I hope you will take the time to consider the skills we’ve walked through today and use them to create positive, inspiring comparisons in your life!
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