"To Those Still Trapped" by Arianna Shanks-Hill

I have once again heard of more girls targeted by an abuser. More girls were now echoing the statement I’ve been making for years. I respect whatever choices these girls decide to make, as long as those choices are made in the absence of fear.

But, I think there are some things that these girls need to hear; some information only a survivor can pass on.

So, when they are ready, here is what I have to say:

I’m sorry that someone made you think violence is love. It isn’t, and there are people waiting to love you in the way you deserve.

I’m sorry that you felt that silence was safer than speaking out. If you feel like you do not have the courage to stand up and tell your story, you can borrow some of mine until you are ready. 

I'm sorry that your life was changed because of someone else’s actions. You are allowed to grieve the person you were before this, but please remember that this is not the end of your story. 

I’m sorry that the person who was supposed to love you made you afraid. You will feel safety in love & in your own skin again. 

I’m sorry that you feel like you’re broken now. There’s nothing wrong with you, and it won’t feel like this forever. There’s hope on the other side of abuse. 

I’m sorry for all of the insensitive and invasive questions that people ask you. Some of them mean well. Some of them don’t. You’ll learn the difference & you’ll decide what you’re comfortable sharing. 

I’m sorry that you flinch when someone raises their voice. Not all anger is accompanied by a fist. 

I’m sorry that you were manipulated to think that you are unworthy. You deserve the highest form of happiness and the truest form of love. Don’t stop until you find it, but do not always rely on others to give it to you. 

There is nothing you could have done to deserve abuse. There’s never an excuse to harm someone & there is no such thing as earning being harmed.

Suffering does not make you brave, and staying in a dangerous situation is not a testament to your compassion. 

It’s okay if you’re not ready yet, but please don’t spend your whole life in the dark. There is light inside you and a better world waiting. 

I love you. I’m not mad at you for not heeding my warning, or anyone else’s warnings. I know how convincing abusers are. It’s not your fault & you couldn’t have known better. 

You do not have to be afraid to come forward. You are not “ruining someone’s life”, and the only people who will ask for your silence are the ones who would benefit from it. It is not “stirring the pot” or “causing drama” to ask for justice. Their reputation is not your responsibility. 

However, you are under no obligation to come forward. Whatever brings you the most peace & puts you on the path to healing is what you should do. 

I am proud of you. Whether you tell the whole world or you never speak of it again, I am proud of you for existing & leaving and choosing a better life. 

You are not alone. I will stand with you and hold your hand until you feel like you can stand for yourself. I will support you and fight for you and carry you with me as long as you need. 

You have so many people who are here to support you, and it’s okay to let them in. You’re not a burden for needing to lean on people 

Prepare yourself for the reactions that the world will have. Remind yourself that you are not bound to the judgements and perceptions of others. Remind yourself that you are more than a negative comment or a snide remark. Remind yourself that you are worth the fight. 

Some people will love you no matter what you do, and some people will never love you no matter what you do. Go where the love is. Anyone who will not stand by you through this is not someone you want by your side at all. 

You are strong in spite of your abuser, not because of them. You do not have to be grateful that it happened in order to celebrate the person you are becoming. 

You are allowed to be angry, or sad, or upset, or even bitter. Anger is your friend & it wants you to know that you have been mistreated. Just remember that we are not meant to wear anger like a second skin; eventually you have to take it off, and set it down, and figure out what your life looks out without it. 

Forgive yourself for not knowing better until you knew better. Forgive yourself for the habits and traits you picked up during trauma. Forgive yourself for fighting back, or for not fighting back. You cannot shame yourself into healing you can only love yourself into evolving.

All of this is to say that I care about survivors in a way that I wish someone had cared for me. I know from experience what it feels like to be in a position where you’re turning over every stone looking for answers. I know how it feels to wish that someone would tell you what you’re supposed to do, what your life is supposed to look like now. There are plans for what happens if you’re in an abusive relationship. There’s plans for how to get you out. There’s no tangible plan for “after” abuse. So with that in mind, this is what I’ll close with: 

I know in my soul that you are brave enough to walk into the unknown and discover what your life looks like now. It’s going to look different, and that’s okay. I’m here if you need me, or if you need a cheering section, or if you just want to tell someone your story. You will only ever have my utmost admiration, never my pity. I created The Gabby Project for me, but I also created it for you. I’m behind you, and the community that surrounds TGP is behind you regardless of how you choose to move forward.