Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month by Arianna Shanks-Hill

February is Teen Dating Violence awareness month. Knowing this, and also knowing that teens are disproportionately affected by dating violence while also being the least advocated for age group, I’ve decided to address a different, more specific audience than usual: parents. I’ve made several posts on what signs of dating violence parents can look out for in their teengers, but I want to take it a step further and focus on the preventative; the way that we as a society discuss domestic violence and address our children has to change in order to build a better future. So, what can we teach our younger children that will equip them with the proper tools to be respectful and respected in their future relationships? 

Now, for a disclaimer: I am not a parent, and I am in no way trying to critique people’s parenting skills. This is simply a curated list of observations and examples from my experiences and research I have done, solely for those parents that are searching for tangible ways to prevent victimization or perpetration of abuse. 

1. Modeling healthy relationships with communication. 

Children who witness domestic violence in adolescence are more likely to perpetuate the cycle in the future. Do your best to teach them what healthy relationships look like, and discuss unhealthy interactions openly. You can also model these positive interactions by mitigating disagreements between siblings or peers; teach your children how to express themselves in a respectful way. 

2. Speak to them kindly, even when they make mistakes or get in trouble. You are your child’s first example of love. Name calling or belittling your child out of anger can either a). Teach them to treat others this way when they are angry, or b). Believe that it is okay for others to treat them poorly when they make mistakes. 

3. Teach them about consent. 

This one sometimes sounds strange to parents, but it is very important. Discussing consent with children looks different than it does with teenagers or young adults. With children, it looks like explaining that if someone says they don't want a hug, then we have to keep our hands to ourselves. It can also look like not forcing them to hug & kiss relatives, because we get to choose what to do with our bodies. 

4. Help your children understand and express their emotions in a positive way. Some children are shamed or reprimanded for expressing “negative” emotions, like anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness. If you can teach your child about their emotions and demonstrate positive, acceptable displays of emotion, they will carry those skills for the rest of their lives. Adults who express anger by throwing things and hitting were previously children with unregulated emotions and no safe space to express them. 

5. Avoid excusing harmful behaviors. 

It's easy to say things like “Boys will be boys” or “That's just how kids play!”. A common one that I was told growing up, that actually turned out to be harmful, was “He probably did that because he likes you”, with ‘that’ being hair pulling, pushing, or other behaviors from children that make others uncomfortable being dismissed as cute or funny. By allowing these behaviors and making excuses for them, you are teaching your children that it's okay for someone to hurt them under the guise of affection or love. 

6. Teach your children to stand up for themselves. 

Of course parents want to raise polite, agreeable children; however, it can be extremely dangerous to teach your kids that they must always be ‘nice’ and never make a fuss. Validating

your child’s feelings and encouraging them to speak up when they feel uncomfortable, hurt, or disrespected will set them up for success later in life because they will know that they do not have to tolerate someone being mean or harming them. You can go multiple ways with this type of lesson, whether you teach them polite ways to diffuse a situation, or you teach them to be more brash and forward. Even something as simple as ‘’That hurt my feelings and I didn't like it’’ can work wonders. The most important thing is teaching your child to be secure enough in themselves and their relationship with you to say something when they feel unsafe or disrespected. 

These tips are most effective at the earliest age you feel comfortable discussing them with your child, so that you can consistently build these skills and help regulate your child as they grow and start developing friendships and relationships. While there is no guaranteed way to prevent abuse, teaching your child to identify and distinguish healthy, safe, acceptable behaviors can help them be better prepared to break patterns and avoid unhealthy relationships before they become toxic and dangerous. Establishing communication with your child is the most essential tip, so that your child feels comfortable discussing things with you, including topics that can feel uncomfortable, like abuse and harmful behaviors they could be experiencing. However, the most important tip I can give parents and families everywhere is to love your children unconditionally, and always be their safe space; you can't always prevent bad things from happening to the people you love but you can support them through it.