My MAO Journey - A Blog Series By Hannah Roque (Part 2 - Continuing My Journey)

This is the second in a four-part guest blog series by Hannah Roque discussing her MAO journey. You can find part one here and part three here. I  am honored to be able to present them, and hope you'll read and share them all. -S36F

After Miss Vermont 2019 was crowned, I started preparing for the 2020 competition almost immediately. We all know what happened that year. When the 2020 competition was canceled because of COVID, I was devastated. Through all the uncertainty of the pandemic, I was dedicated to the competition, but I was attempting to make a lot of changes; I tried to change my Community Service Initiative, and after receiving some negative feedback on my talent, I struggled with my confidence in that phase of competition. I was very, very lost. When I received the title of Miss Champlain Valley 2021, I was so excited and proud to wear a Miss America sash across my chest for the first time in my life - but with that excitement came more pressure. Because I now held a local title, I felt the pressure of people’s expectations so much more; I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough. During this time, I was also starting

my senior year of college - facing COVID protocols, writing my senior thesis for my English Major, and preparing to student teach in a middle school classroom. As I was dealing with all of this stress, the added weight of competing again brought even more anxiety. Overall, I had lost the joy that competing had brought me. Then, in December 2021, I made the difficult decision to withdraw from the 2021 competition. With this decision, I took a HUGE step back from the Miss America world. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I cannot help but feel grateful for the fact that I made the decision that was right for me in the moment. My time away gave me the opportunity to re-fall in love with Miss America, and rediscover why I wanted to compete in the first place. 

That next year, I got to watch my best friend, Danielle Morse, be crowned Miss Vermont 2021. I was (and still am) Danielle’s #1 fan, and watching her live her dreams reignited my own. Watching my best friend have once in a lifetime experiences, make lifelong friendships, raise thousands of dollars for the Vermont Children’s Hospital, and compete on the Miss America stage was everything I needed to remember why I loved the organization and rediscover the joy. I used that energy and excitement to finally convince myself to return to the competition stage, nearly 3 years after my first appearance. Leading up to the 2022 competition, I struggled significantly with self doubt. After being the 2nd runner up in 2019, I was holding myself to incredibly high standards. Rather than focusing on myself and my own preparation, I was focusing on the expectations of everyone else. It didn’t help that, in the years between 2019 and 2022, I had gained some weight and was very conscious of the fact that I was the biggest girl onstage. Ultimately, my self consciousness and self doubt hurt my performance. When I look back at photos and videos of the competition, I see a version of myself that is nervous and afraid to command space on the stage. Truthfully, it makes me so sad. It’s an age old saying in the pageant world, that you will win when it’s your time; I’ve been told this time and time again, but it is abundantly clear that I did not win or place because I was not my best self. I knew that there were people that expected me to never come back if I didn’t win that year, but my experience actually achieved the opposite. Because I didn’t win or place, I felt free of external expectations and my own doubts. Even after not placing at the 2022 competition, my time off allowed me to rediscover my why.