Me ke aloha nui,
Shyla Victor
Miss Hawaiʻi Island 2024@misshawaiiisland
Shyla Victor
Miss Hawaiʻi Island 2024What can you tell me about your program “Walk With Ime”?
Walk with Ime is a pageant service designed to help aspiring queens take command of the stage with fundamental modeling and styling techniques. My goal is to help restore the lost art of poise that pageant titleholders are traditionally known for but which is sorely lacking today.
What made you decide to start that venture?
Walk With Ime was a happy accident born out of my sister's business, Mock With Me. Both my older sister Mweni and I were successful pageant girls years ago. So when I wanted to start a business utilizing my marketing skills, she founded Mock With Me - a service that offers interview practice opportunities and expert feedback to aspiring queens - giving them the confidence to command the interview room on competition day. Mweni had a client who mocked with her many times and was a great interviewer but who competed in several local pageants without placing or winning a title. After Mweni showed me a video clip of the client competing in evening gown during one pageant, I noticed some things about her performance that I thought she could improve on with proper guidance. So I offered to give the client some help with her walking. I also advised the client on how to restyle her hair to be more flattering and impactful. We worked on adding poise to her fitness and evening gown walks. And after only a couple of sessions with me, the client secured her first placement of the season – and it was First Runner-Up! After three additional sessions with me, the client finally won a title, and Mweni and I were so overjoyed! Mweni had observed my first session with the client, and she was very impressed with my knowledge and with how easily I taught the client. She suggested that I consider coaching, and before too long, Walk With Ime was born.
What has been the most rewarding part of the sessions?
Paying goodness forward. When I was a doubtful young woman, the goodness of the women who volunteered their time to my pageants was instrumental in helping me become confident, poised, and fearless. Years later, I remember and honor those women and am truly grateful for the knowledge they willingly shared with me and that I’m now passing on to others. So if I can impact another pageant girl's life the way I was impacted, that's reward enough.
What short or long-term goals do you have for Walk With Ime?
I'd like to see Walk With Ime serving queens in all 50 states and I aspire to serve 500 queens in 5 years.
What has surprised you the most about running Walk With Ime?
The poise fundamentals that I'm teaching queens today are the same fundamentals I learned well over 20 years ago. What's most surprising is that those fundaments STILL hold true today even though they are not universally practiced. And it surprises me how quickly queens can improve their performance enough to win a crown, simply by applying these fundamental principles.
What has been the most challenging aspect about running Walk With Ime?
It's difficult watching beautiful, talented, and intelligent girls and young women measure their beauty against others based on social trends. Some deal with so much pressure to look a certain way to align with today's beauty standards, even when those trends don't enhance their natural beauty. I wish more pageant contestants would have the courage to make choices based on what most flatters them rather than based on what everyone else is doing.
As eating disorders continue to run rampant throughout our society, so do the misconceptions about them. TV, film, music, and social media has taught us that someone who suffers from an eating disorder is young, often female, has an emaciated frame, and rarely eats. While a small percentage of people with eating disorders fit this description, most do not. Studies show 1 in 20 Americans will be affected by an eating disorder in their lifetime, and 20 million of them are women while 10 million are men (NEDA). It’s safe to say these numbers do not wholly reflect the amount of people who will suffer from eating disorders as so many of them either don’t recognize their disordered eating or don’t have access to a physical and mental health care team who can properly diagnose and treat them, among various other reasons.
There are 4 main types of eating disorders that are recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is the handbook used by physical and mental health care professionals for the purpose of diagnosing individuals. The four main types are: Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge-Eating Disorder, and Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). There are other socially recognized forms of eating disorders, like Orthorexia (a preoccupation or obsession with “clean eating” and exercise), that you won’t find in the DSM, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be treated. Professionals who are specialized in treating eating disorders understand that eating disorders are nuanced and, while there are many shared behaviors amongst them, they aren’t all exactly the same. To learn about eating disorder subtypes, go to: https://www.montenido.com/6-lesser-known-eating-disorders/
Contrary to common belief, Binge-Eating Disorder (BED) is the most common eating disorder type in the United States. BED is characterized by eating an unusually large amount of food in a specific amount of time. The eating happens regardless of fullness, and is often met with a significant amount of shame. Food might be consumed at a fast pace and in secrecy. Someone who suffers with BED might be known for dieting but may not show a significant amount of weight loss. For those who haven’t suffered from BED, it can be easy to assume that the sufferer has the ability to stop eating at any point and control their portions. Like all eating disorders, it’s far more complex than that. BED is often a result of a restrictive diet or a desire to restrict (i.e portion control). While the behaviors of BED differ greatly from that of someone with Anorexia Nervosa, what fuels the disorder shares notable similarities. For more information about BED, go to: https://www.montenido.com/myths-about-binge-eating-disorder/
Bulimia Nervosa is similar to BED but has a compensatory aspect that differentiates it. A compensatory behavior might look like purging (vomiting), unnecessary laxative use, and over-exercising. People with Bulimia don’t always experience a binge before utilizing compensatory behaviors–restriction is still an element of Bulimia, so any food intake may trigger a behavior though binging is common. Other signs you might notice in someone who may be struggling with Bulimia includes quickly leaving after meals, hiding food, over-exercising before or after meals, frequent bathroom visits, Russell’s sign (a physical sign of purging (vomiting) located on the knuckles), and red and irritated eyes. For more information about Bulimia Nervosa, go to: https://www.montenido.com/bulimia-nervosa/
Anorexia Nervosa is what comes to mind when most people hear the words “eating disorder”. It’s not uncommon to associate this diagnosis with a thin or underweight body frame, but less than 6% of people with eating disorders are underweight (https://www.feast-ed.org/). While the severity of Anorexia Nervosa is often determined by BMI, and other factors, weight is not indicative of how severely the eating disorder is impacting one’s physical or mental wellbeing. For this reason, getting a diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa can be difficult for many, which limits access to higher levels of treatment, especially for those in larger bodies. Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by restriction of food often leading to weight loss, intense fear of weight gain, discomfort with one’s body, and denial of the seriousness of the condition. For more information about Anorexia Nervosa, go to: https://www.montenido.com/anorexia-nervosa/
The final diagnosis we’ll be covering is Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). Unlike most other eating disorders, it is not rooted in body-image issues or a desire to lose weight. It is most commonly diagnosed in children and young adolescents and affects adults at a lower rate. Many professionals have identified a potential correlation between Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ARFID but more research is needed to draw any major conclusions. ARFID is characterized by restrictive eating due to lack of interest in food; avoidance of certain textures, smells, appearance and flavor; and fears of consequences associated with eating like choking, vomiting, or having an allergic reaction. People experiencing ARFID may only have a few foods they feel safe eating, which can lead to serious health complications like malnutrition, stunted growth, and more. To learn more about ARFID, go to: https://www.montenido.com/food-intake-disorder-arfid/
Eating disorders are complex mental health disorders that require treatment tailored to the individual and often consists of working with a qualified therapist, dietitian, primary care provider, and psychiatrist. Eating disorders are typically co-occurring, meaning there are other mental health disorders that are affecting and being affected by the eating disorder, such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, and more. Eating disorders are not a choice and are complicated by both genetic and environmental factors, and those who struggle with them deserve equitable access to quality care.
For those who are not yet in recovery, and in recovery alike, you are not alone. Your battle is real, it is hard, and can feel isolating. Everything we do in recovery feels counterintuitive and scary but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. The risks we take in pursuing recovery are worth the pain we must feel as we journey toward a life not ruled by our eating disorders. We are more resilient than we know and we are capable of experiencing life to the fullest. Your darkest days may not yet be behind you, but I can assure you that, if your commitment to recovery is persistent (not perfect) and rooted in living according to your values, your lightest days are ahead of you.
-Hannah Utic, Miss Alaska 2023
It feels like…
…all the roads I have ever traveled led to this stage, and I feel the years of hard work coming to fruition. Every late night, sacrifice, and ounce of preparation contributed to this very moment. Of course, the top five finish brought me immense joy, but I am most thankful for the personal growth and resiliency I developed throughout my Miss America journey, regardless of any outcome.
…an honor to stand with 50 of the most kind, intelligent, and ambitious women in the country. In preparation for Miss America, I made a cognizant effort to lean into the qualities and achievements I brought to the table while celebrating the qualities and achievements the other title holders brought to the table as well. The Miss America Class of 2024 is a true sisterhood composed of independent, inspiring, and charismatic women. I have never felt more empowered or more proud to be a woman than I did on the Miss America stage.
It feels like…
…an opportunity to advocate for the 1 billion people living in our world with some form of disability. As William Shakespere said, “All the world's a stage, and ALL the men and women merely players…” My service initiative, Inclusive Stages, advocates for individuals with special learning needs and disabilities through theatrical and artistic opportunities. Advocating for Inclusive Stages and sharing my mission on a national platform is something I will always cherish. Everyone can shine if they are simply given the opportunity to do so.
It feels like…
Hudson M Photography |
It feels like…
…the beginning and continuation of a legacy. Recognizing the footsteps of those who had preceded me, women who had undeniably shaped Miss America’s esteemed tradition, I was acutely aware of the weight of their influence. However, I embraced the idea of creating my own path. I ultimately hope to be remembered as a Miss Kentucky who built intentional connections, advocated for inclusion, led with a servant's heart, and empowered through education
-Mallory Hudson, Miss Kentucky 2023
February is Teen Dating Violence awareness month. Knowing this, and also knowing that teens are disproportionately affected by dating violence while also being the least advocated for age group, I’ve decided to address a different, more specific audience than usual: parents. I’ve made several posts on what signs of dating violence parents can look out for in their teengers, but I want to take it a step further and focus on the preventative; the way that we as a society discuss domestic violence and address our children has to change in order to build a better future. So, what can we teach our younger children that will equip them with the proper tools to be respectful and respected in their future relationships?
Now, for a disclaimer: I am not a parent, and I am in no way trying to critique people’s parenting skills. This is simply a curated list of observations and examples from my experiences and research I have done, solely for those parents that are searching for tangible ways to prevent victimization or perpetration of abuse.
1. Modeling healthy relationships with communication.
Children who witness domestic violence in adolescence are more likely to perpetuate the cycle in the future. Do your best to teach them what healthy relationships look like, and discuss unhealthy interactions openly. You can also model these positive interactions by mitigating disagreements between siblings or peers; teach your children how to express themselves in a respectful way.
2. Speak to them kindly, even when they make mistakes or get in trouble. You are your child’s first example of love. Name calling or belittling your child out of anger can either a). Teach them to treat others this way when they are angry, or b). Believe that it is okay for others to treat them poorly when they make mistakes.
3. Teach them about consent.
This one sometimes sounds strange to parents, but it is very important. Discussing consent with children looks different than it does with teenagers or young adults. With children, it looks like explaining that if someone says they don't want a hug, then we have to keep our hands to ourselves. It can also look like not forcing them to hug & kiss relatives, because we get to choose what to do with our bodies.
4. Help your children understand and express their emotions in a positive way. Some children are shamed or reprimanded for expressing “negative” emotions, like anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness. If you can teach your child about their emotions and demonstrate positive, acceptable displays of emotion, they will carry those skills for the rest of their lives. Adults who express anger by throwing things and hitting were previously children with unregulated emotions and no safe space to express them.
5. Avoid excusing harmful behaviors.
It's easy to say things like “Boys will be boys” or “That's just how kids play!”. A common one that I was told growing up, that actually turned out to be harmful, was “He probably did that because he likes you”, with ‘that’ being hair pulling, pushing, or other behaviors from children that make others uncomfortable being dismissed as cute or funny. By allowing these behaviors and making excuses for them, you are teaching your children that it's okay for someone to hurt them under the guise of affection or love.
6. Teach your children to stand up for themselves.
Of course parents want to raise polite, agreeable children; however, it can be extremely dangerous to teach your kids that they must always be ‘nice’ and never make a fuss. Validating
your child’s feelings and encouraging them to speak up when they feel uncomfortable, hurt, or disrespected will set them up for success later in life because they will know that they do not have to tolerate someone being mean or harming them. You can go multiple ways with this type of lesson, whether you teach them polite ways to diffuse a situation, or you teach them to be more brash and forward. Even something as simple as ‘’That hurt my feelings and I didn't like it’’ can work wonders. The most important thing is teaching your child to be secure enough in themselves and their relationship with you to say something when they feel unsafe or disrespected.
These tips are most effective at the earliest age you feel comfortable discussing them with your child, so that you can consistently build these skills and help regulate your child as they grow and start developing friendships and relationships. While there is no guaranteed way to prevent abuse, teaching your child to identify and distinguish healthy, safe, acceptable behaviors can help them be better prepared to break patterns and avoid unhealthy relationships before they become toxic and dangerous. Establishing communication with your child is the most essential tip, so that your child feels comfortable discussing things with you, including topics that can feel uncomfortable, like abuse and harmful behaviors they could be experiencing. However, the most important tip I can give parents and families everywhere is to love your children unconditionally, and always be their safe space; you can't always prevent bad things from happening to the people you love but you can support them through it.
I have once again heard of more girls targeted by an abuser. More girls were now echoing the statement I’ve been making for years. I respect whatever choices these girls decide to make, as long as those choices are made in the absence of fear.
But, I think there are some things that these girls need to hear; some information only a survivor can pass on.
So, when they are ready, here is what I have to say:
I’m sorry that someone made you think violence is love. It isn’t, and there are people waiting to love you in the way you deserve.
I’m sorry that you felt that silence was safer than speaking out. If you feel like you do not have the courage to stand up and tell your story, you can borrow some of mine until you are ready.
I'm sorry that your life was changed because of someone else’s actions. You are allowed to grieve the person you were before this, but please remember that this is not the end of your story.
I’m sorry that the person who was supposed to love you made you afraid. You will feel safety in love & in your own skin again.
I’m sorry that you feel like you’re broken now. There’s nothing wrong with you, and it won’t feel like this forever. There’s hope on the other side of abuse.
I’m sorry for all of the insensitive and invasive questions that people ask you. Some of them mean well. Some of them don’t. You’ll learn the difference & you’ll decide what you’re comfortable sharing.
I’m sorry that you flinch when someone raises their voice. Not all anger is accompanied by a fist.
I’m sorry that you were manipulated to think that you are unworthy. You deserve the highest form of happiness and the truest form of love. Don’t stop until you find it, but do not always rely on others to give it to you.
There is nothing you could have done to deserve abuse. There’s never an excuse to harm someone & there is no such thing as earning being harmed.
Suffering does not make you brave, and staying in a dangerous situation is not a testament to your compassion.
It’s okay if you’re not ready yet, but please don’t spend your whole life in the dark. There is light inside you and a better world waiting.
I love you. I’m not mad at you for not heeding my warning, or anyone else’s warnings. I know how convincing abusers are. It’s not your fault & you couldn’t have known better.
You do not have to be afraid to come forward. You are not “ruining someone’s life”, and the only people who will ask for your silence are the ones who would benefit from it. It is not “stirring the pot” or “causing drama” to ask for justice. Their reputation is not your responsibility.
However, you are under no obligation to come forward. Whatever brings you the most peace & puts you on the path to healing is what you should do.
I am proud of you. Whether you tell the whole world or you never speak of it again, I am proud of you for existing & leaving and choosing a better life.
You are not alone. I will stand with you and hold your hand until you feel like you can stand for yourself. I will support you and fight for you and carry you with me as long as you need.
You have so many people who are here to support you, and it’s okay to let them in. You’re not a burden for needing to lean on people
Prepare yourself for the reactions that the world will have. Remind yourself that you are not bound to the judgements and perceptions of others. Remind yourself that you are more than a negative comment or a snide remark. Remind yourself that you are worth the fight.
Some people will love you no matter what you do, and some people will never love you no matter what you do. Go where the love is. Anyone who will not stand by you through this is not someone you want by your side at all.
You are strong in spite of your abuser, not because of them. You do not have to be grateful that it happened in order to celebrate the person you are becoming.
You are allowed to be angry, or sad, or upset, or even bitter. Anger is your friend & it wants you to know that you have been mistreated. Just remember that we are not meant to wear anger like a second skin; eventually you have to take it off, and set it down, and figure out what your life looks out without it.
Forgive yourself for not knowing better until you knew better. Forgive yourself for the habits and traits you picked up during trauma. Forgive yourself for fighting back, or for not fighting back. You cannot shame yourself into healing you can only love yourself into evolving.
All of this is to say that I care about survivors in a way that I wish someone had cared for me. I know from experience what it feels like to be in a position where you’re turning over every stone looking for answers. I know how it feels to wish that someone would tell you what you’re supposed to do, what your life is supposed to look like now. There are plans for what happens if you’re in an abusive relationship. There’s plans for how to get you out. There’s no tangible plan for “after” abuse. So with that in mind, this is what I’ll close with:
I know in my soul that you are brave enough to walk into the unknown and discover what your life looks like now. It’s going to look different, and that’s okay. I’m here if you need me, or if you need a cheering section, or if you just want to tell someone your story. You will only ever have my utmost admiration, never my pity. I created The Gabby Project for me, but I also created it for you. I’m behind you, and the community that surrounds TGP is behind you regardless of how you choose to move forward.
Hawaiʻi, viewed by tourists as merely a beautiful tropical vacation destination. Being born and raised in Hawaiʻi and working in the hospita...