I recently just gave up one of my titles, Teen New England Petite. Now I know what you are thinking, why are you so emotional, you have a second, bigger, and heavier crown with a national title. Well, let me share with you my story of New England.
The New England title means more to me than any title I have competed for. It was not only my first win, but also my first experience of truly feeling like I impacted people in a positive way. If you couldn’t tell, my titles are everything to me. Keeping up with social media, fulfilling duties to my directors, and training for internationals are religiously important to me. But what is even more important to me is making sure I spread my message of self love and unapologetically being myself with the next generation of beautiful women growing up in society today. Showing young girls that if you can dream, you can do it, will always be one of the biggest pillars in my life.
New England helped me climb out from the rock I pushed myself under, and allowed me to show the judges and the world who the real me is. The goofy, talkative, social, empathic, and emotional me, even the vulnerable parts. I think the thing I struggled with is trying to not fit into the box society presents us; the preppy, pageant girl who can look rude or stuck up. I wanted to change this narrative. My goal for winning is to make pageants a place for women to feel free to be themselves and share their true passion. I came in with my social, bubbly, jokester personality, and shared the scared and insecure parts of me, because those parts of me make me who I am.
I think I was very shy to share my story with mental health and how important it was to me. I always thought that people would judge me for what happened to me, or maybe not even believe me because of how I come off as a person. New England was the first time I shared my true why.
I remember getting up on stage and thinking to myself, welp, now they know. I remember feeling so nervous to swim and also messing up my own title in introductions. I remember taking a huge deep breath, in and out, and then walking out into the blinding lights on stage as I heard my name called for swim. I remember feeling so in the moment and letting my practice take over. I remember walking off to the side of the stage and seeing my coach tearing up in the corner, while others congratulated me for how powerful my swim walk was. I remember thinking to myself, I didn’t think that went that well.
I remember walking in my evening gown, and feeling like I owned the stage. Yes, I was mortified 3 people I didn’t know knew my insecurities and battles, but it almost made me feel more comfortable on stage with them knowing. Knowing my true purpose, to serve others and to give back to my community, and to hear who the true Hannah was, and who she wants to become because of what she went through.
I remember looking out to my family when I was holding my first runner ups hands, not knowing I had won. I remember thanking them in my head, and smiling out the crowd to see all the people who had supported my journey from the beginning. When I didn’t hear my name as first runner up, I almost fell to my knees. For the first time, I felt like my story was finally heard and my hard work was finally approved.
I remember trying to hold myself together, but obviously that didn't happen. I broke down sobbing, and I remember running off the stage and hugging my coach so tight. I couldn’t believe it had finally happened.
New England gave me the opportunity for my older self to finally forgive my younger self for what I faced, and it also gave me the opportunity to thank my younger self for staying here, thanking my younger self to see the good in the bad, and thanking my young self for giving my older self to represent other survivors across the world. My story shouldn't make me feel ashamed or weak, it should make me understand how powerful my voice is. How powerful my story is, and how powerful it is to share it.
New England also taught me what true sisterhood feels like. Growing up, I was the only girl, so I tell people my personality is like, “a 12 year old boy”. After New England Petite crowning, I realized I had gained 10 sisters who I could ask anything and they would immediately help. From small things, like a hair tie, to picking my dresses and helping with my appearance, my sisters were with me, through thick and thin. At nationals, I think I realized how strong the bond was.
I remember winning and hearing screams from all sides of the room. I remember looking out and seeing my director, Leah, sobbing. She told me she had been crying since the on-stage question. Then, there was Jasmine, who I think cried more than me when I won. I remember the crown being placed on my head, and immediately trying to get to her after I won. The entire competition, she was right at my side, telling me how I was worth the title and how powerful of a person I was. I remember running to her and hugging her so tight on stage, and sobbing into her arms. And then there was my favorite, Stef, who broke her dress from jumping and falling backwards when I won. She was backstage in the Ms. top 5 with Kim. Kim helped me in the top 5, and shook my nerves out right before I answered my question, helping me breathe in and out. Sarah was my destresser the entire weekend, helping me after what I thought was my worst interview ever, and helping me hold myself together the entire week. Chrystal was my pageant mom the entire weekend, taking my behind the scenes photos and helping me out with anything I needed. Her hug after I won made me start crying again.
Without these women’s support, I would not have made it to my national win. The sisterhood is so real in this system, and I will ALWAYS brag about how I have the most amazing sister queens on planet Earth.
New England made me a home and a place to feel comfortable with who I was, and I can’t wait for the next amazing group of women to get showered with the same amount of love and more that I did.
Giving up that title made me realize how much I had gained, and how eternally grateful I am to have experienced such a one of a kind feeling. And for that, I say thank you, New England, the pleasure was mine.
I hope you enjoyed today's sappy, yet fulfilling blog post! If you haven’t already, go tell someone how important they are, and that they are worth it!
Till next time,
Your friend,
Han,
Teen Petite USA 2024 and Former Teen New England Petite
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